A MARTHA STEWART HOLIDAY PLANNING LIST
December 1 – Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 – Have Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for voicemail.
December 3 – Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails.
December 4 – Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 – Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses yourself.
December 6 – Email family Christmas newsletter final edit to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 – Debug Windows. Again.
December 10 – Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 – Create original Faberge egg.
December 12 – Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 – Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 – Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 – Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “Holiday Scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 – Cat-proof the Christmas tree with razor wire garland as way of remembering deployed troops.
December 19 – Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 – Dip sheep and cattle in egg white, roll in confectioner’s sugar, then in crystal candy to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 – Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, whole cloves, and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 – Float colored, scented votive candles in toilet tank while playing Smooth Jazz Christmas in restrooms.
December 23 – Seed clouds overhead for white Christmas.
December 24 – Do annual good deed. Go to several stores, mixing Dillard’s with Walmart. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 – Choose and mercilessly spoil friend’s newborn son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 – Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. Color-coordinate where possible.
December 27 – Build snowmen in likeness of angels. Fill yard. Overflow into neighbor’s yards. Spread the joy.
December 31 – New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. They’ll be up.
~~borrowed from mikeysfunnies.com; adapted.
© D. Dean Boone, December 2018