I promised. Here is a reasoned rebuttal to yesterday’s guest post, I THINK SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN. Being fair and more or less gentlemanly, we guys allowed the gals first say.
I know, right? How do you know if it’s the end of the first say or merely a continuation of—hey, are those gingerbread cookies?
At least the male rejoinder here cited includes the author’s name. Only fair. Accurate attribution and all. So–without further adon’t . . .
WHY SANTA IS A MAN!
1. Santa lives at the North Pole.
Anyone who has ever dated/married/been in the same room with a woman knows that unless the air temperature is high enough to cook a small turkey, she will complain about it being too cold. So, there is NO way she would choose the North Pole as her base of operations. The Bahamas would be more to her taste.
I dare ANYONE to describe ANY woman as “fat and jolly” to her face and expect to survive! If Santa was a woman, and you referred to her as this, you wouldn’t find coal in your stocking, you’d find a pipe-bomb!
3. Santa at the mall.
Now, I know that others have used the “Mall” example as proof that Santa is a woman. However, you see both men and women at the mall. And let me ask you this…What does Santa DO at the mall??? HE SITS DOWN!!! Do you ever see women sitting down at the mall??? Noooo! Women are running around trying to find a dust ruffle that matches the throw pillows on her sister’s day-bed! Men sit…Santa sits. ’nuff said.
4. Santa walks around on rooftops.
I don’t know about you, but my wife REFUSES to get on the roof! If there is anything to be done up there, she sends me. In fact, I don’t think I have EVER seen a woman up on a roof. The fact that Santa is perfectly comfortable walking around on a slippery, angled housetop is further proof that he is a “He!”
5. Santa likes Milk and Cookies.
If Santa were a woman, we’d have to leave Godiva Chocolate and International Foods Flavored Coffee. Or maybe herbal tea. Of course, if she was still sensitive about the whole “Fat and Jolly” thing, she would demand nothing more than a carrot stick and a glass of water.
6. Santa uses the Chimney.
No woman would ever THINK about crawling into a dirty, smelly chimney. A woman would carry a spare set of keys for every house. Of course, this would never work because she wouldn’t be able to find them in her purse.
7. Santa has reindeer.
Reindeer are totally for guys; they are big, hairy, smelly, and have huge antlers. A woman would never use them. She would prefer to be driven around in a stretch limo. Or, if she really wanted to use the traditional sleigh, they would have to be pulled by horses. I mean, what is it with women and horses??
And that’s why Santa is a man!
There you have it, friends. Both the original flight of fancy and the facts. Thanks is not necessary. Providing accurate, timely clarification is merely one of the many vital services we here at 2nd Cup of Coffee provide.
No-no–really. Don’t thank me. It’s … it’s just the way I are.
Now–get out there and make this a tremendous day!
Why Santa Is A Man, Copyright 2002 Bill Helker. Permission is granted to send this to others, but not for commercial purposes.